Assertiveness Training 101 By Shelley Stockwell-Nicholas, Ph.D.
Assertiveness Training 101
By Shelley Stockwell-Nicholas, Ph.D.
Most three year-old’s relish saying “NO!” to everything as they explore independence and boundaries. Then, along the way, most learn to say, “YES!”
Challenges come later when full-blown grown-ups become overzealous YES-sayers and agree to everything… I know because they come to me for help overtaxed and stressed to the max. “I’m stretched thin” one hefty lady told me. “I seem to say yes to every morsel of food, drink, pill, smoke, task or obligation that comes down the pike. I have become a full time volunteer. If I don’t do it, who will?” I asked her, “do you have trouble making up your mind?” "Yes and no" she said.
What to do? What to do? These ideas helped her and maybe they'll help you too:
1. SET YOUR INTENTION. What do you value most? Is how you spend your time in alignment with your core values and dreams? You have just so much time here, how can you best spend it? A clear intention makes saying “yes” to yourself, your new normal.
2. TAKE LOVING CARE OF YOU FIRST. An expert on care taking told me, “The caretaker often becomes sicker than those they watch over because they ignore their own wellbeing.” Put your oxygen mask on first before you tend to others. If you only breathe out and not in you become exhausted. Giving out and not taking in, may leave you like the poor tree in the book “The Giving Tree”… used and chopped down.
Loving care of YOU brings you the energy to then help others. Tell yourself exactly what YOU need to be healthy and happy? Then do it! You will be amazed at how it makes you a better person for others. For sure make time to hang out with uplifting people.
3. MAP YOUR ENERGY. Notice when your energy is highest and then mentally bring yourself to that energy. You know when you are energetically on track because joy is your compass; you’re centered and you’re in the flow. So say YES to full energy and NO to what drains you.
4. HONOR OPTIONS! You have the right to say, Yes or No. Say “yes” to what’s right for your heartfelt agenda and, unapologetically say “no…that won’t work for me” when a demand is not your cup of tea. This allows you time and energy to invest in what and who matters most. Maturity, it seems to me is the freedom to say yes or no as a means of self-preservation.
5. SET BOUNDARIES. A well-placed NO makes time for you to live up to your full potential and not go down the rabbit hole of harmful distraction. Assertiveness trainers advise, “Say NO to what harms.”
6. GET IT DONE AND HAVE FUN. Cut to the chase and do what needs to be done first. This lets you enjoy thing you hold precious without that something hanging over you. To do the great things you do, perhaps drop things that derail you… Perhaps less social media, television, computer games, phone calls, gossip, alcohol, binging and overzealous YES saying. This gives you time to focus on the healthy fun things that remind you how glad you are to be vital and alive.
Local Personality, Shelley Stockwell-Nicholas, PhD is a hypnotherapist, mindfulness and NLP trainer, artist and the author of 25 books. She certifies practitioners through the International Hypnosis Federation. You can call her at 310 541-4844.
Dr. Shelley can be reached at shelleynicholas@cox.net or www.hypnosisfederation.com
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