Tea Etiquette: Dishing the Tea & Sipping Tea with my Daughters on Mother’s Day

By Renowned Beverly Hills Manners Expert Lisa Gaché

My girls have loved going to tea parties starting at a very young age. The fascination began with the Mud Pie “My First Tea Party” plush set they received as a gift and wound up using as a teething aid and followed by the more lifelike porcelain set from The Pottery Barn which was great for entertaining on their tiny table and chairs. When they were elementary school age, they attended their first official holiday tea at The Biltmore Hotel in DTLA complete with festive décor and teddy bears. And finally, when they were old enough to truly appreciate the experience, I treated them to their first grown up tea at The Hotel Bel Air which was beautiful and delicious.

Of course, their love to tea didn’t fall far from the tree. I’ll never forget my first tea encounter. One of my fondest memories was from my first trip to London where my mother and I shared a very traditional afternoon tea at The Ritz. The lavish décor and scrumptious fare were topped only by the sighting of Sir Elton John taking tea at a nearby table with his mum. Over the years, I’ve sampled tea everywhere from The Peninsula in Beverly Hills to The Palm Court at The Plaza, but my two favorite tea experiences took place at the Pembroke Room in The Lowell Hotel in New York– named the top spot in the nation for tea by USA Today and the family-owned Goring Hotel in London which has welcomed royalty since 1910 and where the Queen feels right at home hosting her annual Christmas luncheon just a stone’s throw from Buckingham Palace.

An invitation to tea is a singular experience and presents the perfect platform for ladies of any age to display their finest manners. Hosts and attendees are encouraged to dress in their finest tea attire in anticipation of the festivities that await. Civilized polite conversation is made while sipping fragrant tea and sampling an array of crustless sandwiches, flaky scones, and decadent cakes all in a leisurely fashion and with great pleasure.

Of course, when you get a gaggle of women together there is a great tendency to want to dish the tea while drinking the tea. The most important thing to remember, however, is that any gossip, juicy news or pivotal info be light-hearted and fun and never come across mean-spirited or callous. Think of it this way, a spoonful of sugar puts a positive spin on everything. On the flipside, a squirt of lemon in the eye can be quite painful and leave a lasting negative effect.

Afternoon Tea vs. High Tea: Afternoon tea is the service that most hotels and tearooms offer in North America. It consists of three distinct courses: savories, scones and pastries and is typically served from three to five o’clock. Afternoon tea is also known as ‘low tea’ because it was taken at low tables. High tea is a much heartier meal that originated during the Industrial Revolution for workers who returned very hungry after a long day working in the factories and mines. The food was placed on high tables and included: cold hearty foods such as meat pies, Welsh rarebit, sausage, cold meats, breads, cheese, desserts, fruits and tea.

Dressing for Tea. Confirm the attire of the tea. This is sometimes noted on the invitation or by a host. If full formal tea attire is suggested, you may wish to wear gloves (net or crochet pairs are most appropriate and gloves should not go beyond the wrist) as well as a hat. The ideal dress for a tea is a sundress. This may range in color and style but is usually no shorter than knee-length.

Napkin Placement and Usage. A truly formal table has only one correct placement for a napkin, to the left side of the place setting. The proper protocol when excusing oneself from the table while dining is to gently place one’s napkin on the seat of the chair. Upon completion of the tea, pinch the center of the napkin and lay it on the left side of your place setting.

Raise Your Pinkies! Placing one/s fingers to the front and back of the cup handle with one’s pinkie up allows for the best balance. It is not an affectation, but a graceful way to avoid spills. Never loop your fingers through the handle nor grasp the vessel bowl with the palm of your hand.

Drinking Tea. Sip tea quietly. Do not gulp and never slurp. After tea is poured, you may add sugar and/or milk. Lemon should not be used with milk. It will curdle. If there is something on the table you cannot reach, politely ask your neighbor to kindly pass it to you. Do not use your tea to wash down food, swallow before eating.

Stirring Tea and Spoon Placement. Place your teaspoon at the six o'clock position and softly fold the liquid towards the twelve o'clock position two or three times. Never leave a teaspoon in your cup. When not in use, place your teaspoon on the right side of the tea saucer. When not in use, place the teacup back in the tea saucer.

Proper Service of Lemon Slice vs. Lemon Wedge. Lemon is offered thinly sliced and placed on a dish near the milk and sugar. A lemon fork with splayed tines is provided. The tea pourer or the tea drinker can then put a slice of lemon directly into the poured cup of tea. The floating lemon slice continues to enhance the flavor of the tea. If one is serving a wedge of lemon, traditionally the wedge is covered in gauze or tied in a cheese cloth. This is to avoid the seeds and juice from squirting when squeezed.

How to Eat a Scone and Pronounce it Correctly. The correct pronunciation of scone is similar to ‘gone’ rather than ‘drone’. Scones are accompanied by jam and clotted cream. If a scone is small, it may be broken in half with the condiments applied one side at a time. If the scone is on the larger side, simply break off one bite size piece at a time place it on your plate, and then apply the jam and cream.

Tea Party Savories and Sweets. The tea party begins with a delicious assortment of quartered sandwiches served with the crusts removed. These may be eaten with the fingers. Desserts are enjoyed last and may include cookies, petit fours, chocolates, or other delicate treats. Sweets may also be eaten with fingers however a fork is used to eat other desserts such as cake. Remember to take only one from each selection to make sure everyone has a bite of each item served.

Making Pleasant Conversation. It is polite to make pleasant table conversation with the person seated to the right and left of your seat at the table. The conversation flow should be upbeat and good-natured. Acceptable topics include: hobbies, cultural events, sporting activities, travel, favorite movies, books or music, and the weather.

Leaving the Table. Upon conclusion, the final act of the tea is the placement of your napkin on the left side of your place setting.

Arriving with a Hostess Gift. Although it is not expected, a hostess gift is always a nice gesture. A potted plant, a scented candle or hand lotion, homemade chocolates or an imported box of tea to keep within the theme are all wonderful choices.

Sending a Thank You Note. A thoughtful thank you note mailed 24-48 hours after the party indicates to your host or hostess that you wish to be invited back.

Founder and CEO of Beverly Hills Manners, Lisa Gaché is a nationally recognized etiquette coach and lifestyle expert. She provides practical modern day solutions and helps clients use the power of social intelligence to enhance their lives, both personally and professionally.

Featured on national television (The Today Show, Access Hollywood, Dr. Phil) and in print media (USA Today, New York Times, The Hollywood Reporter, The Telegraph), Ms. Gaché received her certification as a Corporate Etiquette and International Protocol Consultant from The Protocol School of Washington along with a mark of distinction from The English Manner in London.

Lisa’s book, Beverly Hills Manners: Golden Rules from the World’s Most Glamorous Zip Code, published November 2014, is the go-to-guide for parents and Saudi princesses, NFL coaches and Oscar nominees. She is currently working on big vision to bring these crucial life tools and social change to the world. For further information, please contact www.beverlyhillsmanners.com.