11 Tips for Finding your Perfect Forever Love by Chris Gilbert, MD, PhD
11 Tips for Finding your Perfect Forever Love
by Chris Gilbert, MD, PhD
Finding your perfect forever love is as important as finding the right job. Yet, we spend much more time and energy finding the right job, which makes us happy during the day. But what about nights, weekends and vacations? We deserve to be happy then too.
So, it is important to find the right mate. Our emotional and physical health will thrive if we find the perfect love.
Here are my 11 tips for a happy and long-lasting relationship (beware that some tips will shock you):
Tip #1: Meet a lot of available single people
Some people are lucky to find the right mate in school (high school sweetheart) or in college but if you haven’t found the right mate by the time you graduate, what do you do?
The answer is to meet as many single potential mates as possible:
Go to dances for single people, sign up for activities that you like and join online dating services. Michael Rosenfeld from the department of Sociology at Stanford University and colleagues show that “meeting online has become the most popular way couples meet, eclipsing meeting through friends”.
Online dating can allow you to discover a variety of people, most of whom you would never have met otherwise and the more people you meet the higher your chances are that you will find the right person for you.
Unfortunately, studies show that people on the internet can misrepresent themselves. To uncover the fake, ask to meet in person very rapidly in a safe public place. If the person refuses or postpones the meeting several times, the person is probably not what he or she says.
When you finally meet the person, pay attention to what your body is feeling: Are you right away feeling at ease and attracted to the person (best case scenario) or are you feeling uneasy? Learn to trust your first body reaction.
Tip # 2: Know who you are and what kind of mate you need.
Everybody needs something different in a mate. Select the qualities you want in a mate and don’t settle until you find somebody with those qualities.
Tip # 3: On your first date, ask questions.
Be very honest with the person and ask “Are your looking for marriage or just for a hook up?” “Do you want children?” “Where do you want to live?”
If you are looking for marriage and the other person is just looking for a hook up, don’t try to change the other person’s mind. It is probably better to walk away. If both of you are looking for the same thing, either marriage, a serious relationship or just a hook-up, then, you can be a match.
If your goal is to have 5 children and the other person doesn’t want any children, you are not a match and you need to walk away.
If your goal is to live in Hawaii, where the weather is hot but the other person’s goal is to live in Alaska where the weather is cold, you are probably not a match.
It is better to know the answer to those questions before getting emotionally attached.
Tip # 4: Chose somebody who is attracted to you and who can love and admire you.
Some people chose a mate they are attracted to, a mate they love and admire but there is no reciprocity. That’s a recipe for disaster. The person you select has to be attracted to you and love and admiration need to be reciprocal.
Tip # 5: Make sure you are spiritually compatible and if not that you can respect the other one’s beliefs.
An example is: If one of you is Catholic and the other one is Muslim, make sure you can respect and support the other one’s beliefs without trying to make the other one change.
The important question is: in which faith are you going you raise your children? You need to discuss this and find an answer that will satisfy both of you before you get emotionally attached, if you intend to marry the person.
Tip # 6: Make sure you are sexually compatible.
Here are some extremes: Some people don’t care for sex and they don’t really need it. Others need sex once or even twice a day. Still others only need sex once a month. If a person who needs sex once a month marries someone who needs sex twice a day, drama will happen in the future and the marriage will probably not last.
When I was single, I had a list of questions that I asked on first dates. One of the questions on my list was “how often do you need to have sex?” Since sex was something important to me, I didn’t date anybody if they were not sexually compatible with me.
Tip # 7: Make sure you are financially compatible.
If a very stingy person marries somebody who likes spending a lot of money, the marriage might not survive if they have a common bank account.
On the other hand, if both keep separate finances even when married, the stingy one might like to get a lot of presents from the generous one… As long as the generous one doesn’t get into deeper and deeper debt. Then, incompatibility will show up.
Tip # 8: Make sure you are emotionally compatible.
Some people like to be in each other’s arms, hold hands, say and hear love words.
Some other people don’t like physical closeness (other than sex) and cannot say love words.
A marriage between a very cuddly person and a non-cuddly one will be a disaster for both. You need to walk away from that kind of incompatible relationship before you get emotionally attached unless you are masochistic.
Tip # 9: Make sure you are intellectually compatible.
Some people are interested in everything and anything, always want to discover and learn new things and love to travel.
Other people want to stay home, do the same routine work every day, eat and sleep, and are not interested in learning or discovering new things.
A marriage between those 2 kinds would probably not last.
Tip # 10: Make sure you can talk about problems
Problems will probably arise in the near or distant future. They always do sooner or later- whether they are health problems, children or parents’ problems, work or money problems - problems will happen. Make sure you and your mate can talk to each other, listen to each other and find solutions to problems together.
Tip # 11: Spend time and energy looking for the right mate.
We spend time, money and energy studying and looking for the perfect job.
We need to do the same thing when looking for the right mate. We need to be proactive and actively look for the right mate.
This is as important as looking for the right job.
If we wait for the right mate to magically show up one day on our doorstep, we could wait a long time.
Settling for the wrong mate can destroy our life, our health and our finances.
Searching for and finding the perfect mate will make us happier, healthier and could make us live longer.
Keep being hopeful and at the same time be patient and persistent. Know that the right mate exists for you. You just need to find him or her. Pay attention to your body’s reaction when you meet people. Your body will let you know – feeling at ease and excited at the same time, heart racing, butterfly sensations - when the right person is in front of you.
Seven years ago, I was a widow and I dated 120 men before meeting the wonderful man who is now my husband. He was number 121. Within a few minutes of meeting him, my body was shivering with excitement. I felt at the same time very comfortable and very attracted to him. My body knew right away…
Had I not met him, I would have continued my search. Everybody deserves to find the right mate for them.
Do not settle for less than what you deserve.
Set the example and teach your children the way to happiness so that they, too, can find the perfect forever love.
Chris Gilbert, MD, PhD (www.DrChrisGilbert.com) is a full time author and public speaker. Her books include “The Listening Cure” (SelectBooks 2017) available in paperback, ebook and audiobook formats, “The French Stethoscope” a memoir (Iuniverse 2010) and "Dr. Chris’ A, B, C’s of Health" (Iuniverse 2010). She is also a writer for PsychologyToday.
Dr. Chris was in private medical practice in Torrance, California (Integrative Medicine using a combination of Homeopathy, Acupuncture, Gestalt Therapy, Bio-identical Hormones, Supplements, Herbs as much as conventional Medicine). She did a surgical residency at Harbor UCLA and a medical internship at UC Irvine. Previously she worked for Doctors Without Borders in Mozambique, Sri Lanka, Mauritania and China (taking care of refugees). She has a MD, PhD from the university of Cochin Port-Royal in Paris where she was born.